So while I have been ragging on my fellow Spaniards on their quirky style, I think its time I start noting my inability to blend effortlessly into the Spanish culture. In short, I always end up acting like a total American Spaz. And its only me. All the other Americans...you guys are fine. I think I just have issues in this department.
First off.. I basically came here not speaking a lick of Spanish. Yup I took it in college...two years ago and I dont remember a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. Hence my reason for coming to Spain. Have to learn somehow.
Anyway I have been sort of improving...I have more vocabulary now. I have mastered the present tense (I think)..and well...ok the present tense only. The past tense is in the working process. Lets not even talk about subjunctive.
While most Spaniards try to speak slowly to help me learn. Others...I think enjoy me relishing in discomfort.
For example or por ejemplo. This 16 year old heiress who I tutor loves to constantly remind me that I "speak Spanish with a English accent".
Well..I am from America. I do speak ENGLISH. And you know what! Its "an English accent". Grammar lesson for today. If the word begins in a vowel..you use "an"! She also charmingly told her father, who I just introduced myself to, that I could speak english but not Spanish and that I couldn't explain English grammar to her in Spanish.
(burries face into hands)
I also cannot do the effing lisp. And of course every student I call on...has the lisp in their name.
"what is your name?"
"celia" (pronounced "thelia")
"thelia?"
"no (stronger th)THelia."
"Theliaa?"
"NO THHHelia"
Ok nevermind! Next student.
"What is your name?"
"Alejandro"
"Alehandro?"
"NO. Aleha(with a hack)ndro."
(in my mind.. FUCKING A)
"Whose name is Carmen?... You Carmen..I mean Carrrmen. Answer the question."Finally. Phew (wipes brow).
And then there is the the Double Kiss or what I affectionately call the Kiss + Kiss
In Spain, they do the double kiss (like France). No biggie right.
Well not for this mentally challenged American right here (points to self)!
First night:
My teacher greets me. Im jetlagged, Im sleep deprived, I just went through consulate Armageddon to get here and she whips out the Kiss + Kiss out of the blue. I thought this was only in France. My bad. Left right or right left.... FUCK
First week:
I keep forgetting the effing Kiss + Kiss. I can't remember. I just cant. I end up doing the Kiss + Kiss while holding my hand out for a handshake. AWKWARD
Second week:
Im confused. Do you just make a kissing sound or do you actually kiss. Wait. Why are you shaking my hand now, because you know Im american? Im so effing confused!
1 month:
At the Irish festival, I run into the attractive young math teacher, who of course has the beautiful nice girlfriend who you can't hate.
But all is fine. We chit-chat. I practice Spanish. All is at ease....
Then the dad shakes my hand (yup I then met the whole fam..brother included) Are they going to do American customs now? Im confused.
Lets continue.
Chit-chat some more. I accidentally spill beer (sigh..what is wrong with me)And then the dreaded....goodbye. Dad shakes hand. Brother waves. Girlfriend kiss + kisses. WTF do I do.
The math teacher goes last..he goes in for the kiss + kiss.
and then.
WHA BAM!
Oh.my.god. I had actual pain in my cheek bone. My instinct is to place my hand on his face like a mother places her hand on her child ( a mommy gesture), and the awkwardness continues, he accidentally leans his face into my hand and now its SUPER awkward.
As the rest of the family continues to look on.
Mortified I apologize profusely as he leaves and then I run and cowl in the corner. I continue to obsess over my humiliation on the way home, in the apartment and now on this blog! Its going to take me weeks...
And sadly this was not the first time it has happened. Yes I have accidentally headbanged other Spaniards. Nice to meet you :)
And i know all you Caceres lectores are ready to whip out the "thats what she said!" after that second to last sentence but let me end in peace! shesh.
